SAYING MY TRUTH ABOUT GRIEF AND LOSS
OVERCOMING GRIEF AND LOSS AND MOVING IN A SAFER PLACE IN LIFE
It has taken me a long time to open up about this topic on grief and loss but I think it is time to share my experiences with others who may be going through the same thing. Everyone sees the smiley, happy and bubbly Naomi but most people do not know what I have been through. I have gone through real pain and sad times in my life. And sometimes I wonder how I went through and came out okay, stronger, and with my sanity still intact. I am no expert on grief and loss but these are what I have experienced and what helped me to overcome and move forward. As I am writing this blog, my heart is filled with sorrow but I know someone needs to hear this.
Imagine a woman who was living her best life with both parents and siblings still intact. My siblings are the best, I have two brothers and a sister whom I loved so much. She was everything I aspired for in life. Very energetic woman and with a promising future. Not going too much into details, we lost her about eight years ago and it was so unexpected. On that faithful evening we were waiting for good news to enjoy the joining of another baby into my family; God willing the baby survived but unfortunately, my beloved sister lost her life. It was a shock, so unexpected and very heartbreaking. I remember watching my sister’s lifeless body at the funeral and couldn’t cry and all I could say was “is it real that you are gone forever…. “.
Four years passed, and my mom who was the spiritual leader of my family also passed. She suffered a dreadful disease. She went through so much pain and sometimes when I sat with her she asked me if she should give up on life. But through it all, we laughed through and the hospital was her second home. I remember one time, her oxygen tank at home got finished and my dad went to fill it. I was alone with her in the house and she was asleep, I would always put my hands on her in-between minutes to check if she was breathing then I will go to my room and cry my eyes out. God knows best, so she also passed and I remember on that faithful afternoon before she passed, she went to all of my siblings advising us one by one unknowingly. She told me I am the one who will bring my siblings together as a sister and a mother so I should be patient with them no matter what they do to me. That night, after she took her bath, she called me to her room and asked me to give her brand new undergarments and nightwear from her closet and I did. I remember she told me not to forget what she told me and asked me to allow her to sleep. I took it literally not knowing she meant to go to sleep as in die. I unknowingly asked her to come to the living room and sit with us. And that was the last time I saw her till her lifeless body at the funeral.
I have gone through pain and grief and I still do not know how I made it here. Through it all, God has been good. But today I want to share with you some griefing processes that are needful to heal. They say God knows best and I definitely know that as a Christian but I have questioned God so many times when these two events happened and I still do sometimes but ‘YES” God knows best. My life is a testimony that you can go through grief, pain, heartbreak and still survive and move on in life. Not going to lie, it takes time but it is surely doable. Sometimes you might need therapy to be able to cope and it is okay to go for it if need be. Here are five steps I think helped me overcome my grief.
Denial of the circumstance:
When something of this sort happens to us, we might not want to believe it’s really over. It comes with shock and denial just to protect ourselves. It actually feels overwhelming at this point and we might shut down in order to hide our emotions. This definitely happened to me because it was proven they were gone but my heart, mind, and soul will not let them go. Day in and out I lived in denial. I remember I kept my sister and mom’s number on my phone for so long and I used to call just to prove to myself they are still with us and will respond one day. But the reality is that; they were gone. It is okay to deny but don’t stay in that for the longest time. You need to come back to reality and face what is happening to you. When you move through this phase, the emotions you tried to deny will start coming to the surface one day.
2. Anger:
When you finally come to realize that this is reality then your emotions will start to come out. The first emotion after denial that you might feel very keenly is anger. It goes with denial in that now you are lashing out instead of trying to push things aside. Just as I said earlier I was so angry with my family, the doctors. In my sister’s case, my dad even wanted to sue the doctor. I questioned everything even ultimately God who gives life and I was so sure He could have saved my sister and mom hence I was so angry at the big man. I lashed out to all these people especially my family whom I love so much, even strangers and things that are inanimate objects. Expressing anger is also okay but do not do something that you will regret later on. So please be kind to yourself.
3. Trying to bargain or take the blame:
At this stage, we might start asking what we could have done to prevent this painful situation from happening. I remember asking myself so many questions and then thinking if I were in the hospital that evening maybe both loved ones would be living. I asked so many “what if” questions but it was already done. By going through this stage, you are looking to regain control over the situation. But please make sure you don’t beat yourself up over “could haves” and “would have” or try any rash actions that you will regret later.
4. . Depression:
Depression is expected after a loss. I was so depressed especially with my mom’s passing because I was staying in the same house with her and everything she owned was staring right in my face. It takes only the grace of God to overcome this and it is where therapy is needed if you cannot overcome it by yourself. I moved out of the country in order to understand she was no more even after accepting it, I was so depressed. The depression you feel at this stage might seem like it will stretch on forever and that you’ll never be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel. You can also join a support group to take your mind off of things but in all that allow yourself to feel the feeling and cry your eyes and heart out if need be.
5. Acceptance:
Acceptance is an important part of how to survive grief. Your loss isn’t diminished by accepting that it happened. When you accept that your loss has occurred, it helps you reorganize your life after it’s been forever changed. Keep connecting with family, friends, and loved ones in order to adjust to your new life. If it is a loss you can visit your relative grave and say all you have to say .. as a Christian what kept me going was the assurance that we shall meet again if not now, someday at a better place. It is a temporal sleep.
Finally, I want to say that whatever you are going through, may you be strengthened and be open to new adjustments and be prepared to move forward in due time. Don’t rush the process just grief in your own way and if you believe in God, then know that there is a mighty and bigger person watching over you and everything will be fine because God definitely knows the best. All the best.
Love,
Naomi.
